Misgendering – we’ve all done it at some point, including me. I can’t remember a day that’s gone by where I haven’t been misgendered, even though I’m out about my pronouns. Sometimes I’ll correct folx if I’m in the right headspace, sometimes I don’t if I anticipate a monologue on how the misgender-er is an “ally” or “is trying really hard” (more on this later). Every time I wish other folx around would just do it for me. As Mx. Deran says, correcting pronouns is“… a full time job out there” and it truly is. It happens to me every day, and I’m hoping that the more I educate teachers and students around the positive impacts of gender affirming language, the more change will gradually happen.

We all make mistakes. Queer folx are not exempt from this either. While I’m much more aware about pronoun use than the average person, I still slip up sometimes. Misgendering someone is not ok, and when this happens what matters most is how the person misgendering deals with it. When people have misgendered me, their response may be well intentioned but they often go about it in a harmful way. No matter who it is – a friend, a colleague, a loved one, it still hurts. People who correct themselves in an affirming way can mend some of the pain that they have caused, and also signify to the other person that you’re continuously working on your gender affirming journey.

Here are some do’s and don’ts of correcting yourself when you inevitably misgender someone:

Do: Correct yourself immediately

Whenever I’m misgendered, I notice. Every. Single. Time. Don’t think I don’t notice, because I do. I usually wait a few seconds before the speaker corrects themselves or gets corrected by someone else. This rarely happens. Swiftly correcting yourself goes a long way, especially if we’re in a close personal or working relationship. It doesn’t have to be a long winded apology, nor does it interrupt the flow of the conversation.

People who correct themselves in an affirming way can mend some of the pain that they have caused.

“Justin connected with ***…sorry, their new colleagues on Zoom.”

Done. It’s that simple. The conversation continued normally. This models to others present in the moment that pronouns should be taken seriously, and it’s not something to just gloss over. It also models how to succinctly correct yourself and move on. And yes, while it was still annoying for me, I didn’t have to go through the mental gymnastics of interrupting or injecting myself in the conversation to make the correction.

Don’t: Over apologize

One type of apology I get from pronoun newbies is the over apologizing monologue. The over apologizer typically doesn’t correct themselves either. I’m usually the one who has to do it, and then it triggers a very uncomfortable tidal wave of apologies. Here are some responses I’ve received after correcting someone who misgenders me:

“OMG I’m SO SORRY I didn’t mean to offend you.”

“I’m so sorry and I’m working really hard on this so please be patient with me.”

“I’m really sorry for misgendering you. Thank you so much for correcting me and for holding us all accountable.”

“Thank you so much for correcting me. I’m working to be better and I really appreciate your feedback.”

While all well intentioned responses, it makes me, the recipient, very uncomfortable. Not only do I have to deal with the emotional triggers of being misgendered, but now I’m left in a place to take care of the other person’s emotions. The gut response for an over apology is “It’s OK” or “No problem”. When really, it’s not OK and it is a problem. Learning to embrace and celebrate my gender was a very arduous journey, and I don’t need to add to that by managing the discomfort of others. Apologize, make the correction, and make a mental note to be more proactive.

Do: Share your pronouns in conversation

I actually haven’t met anyone who has shared their pronouns with me upon their introduction. I wish more people would do this. It particularly matters for me because if I don’t share my pronouns, I’m coded as male by default so I’ll almost immediately get misgendered. Pronouns are for everyone, including cis-hetero folx. If someone shares their pronouns with me, it welcomes me to share my own. This is a clear signifier that I’m in the presence of an ally. It’s something simple as,

“Hi, my name is ____ and my pronouns are ____.”

It should not be up to Queer people to engage with this introduction. There are some situations where I’m not comfortable sharing my pronouns, especially in a space that’s unfamiliar territory. It could potentially make me hypervisibile as a Queer person and then targeted by others. Cis-hetero people can utilize their gender/sexuality privilege by doing this labor for us. It sometimes brings me a lot of anxiety, especially in virtual spaces. For example, this was my thought process when joining a new Facebook group for teachers:

“I want to introduce myself, but should I use my pronouns? No one else has shared their pronouns. If I share mine, will people get annoyed? Will they send me hateful DMs? Will they dox me? If I introduce myself and don’t share my pronouns, I’m by default labeled as cis and I’ll get misgendered all of the time. If someone misgenders me then I have to correct them in a comment and they might get defensive. Maybe I won’t introduce myself. Yeah, it’s easier just to not do anything.”

Already, this group unintentionally isolated me and I wasn’t willing to risk the potential consequences and anxiety of using my pronouns in a simple Facebook post. However, if I saw that this was a norm, or maybe it was an option included in the group introduction, I would be more inclined to share. I must note, however, that this should never be a requirement for anyone. Simply creating the space that welcomes it is enough. If there aren’t pronouns during an introduction, refrain from making assumptions. I typically use “they” unless I know otherwise. If you’re listening, pronouns will come up in some way, shape, or form. 

Your content goes here. Edit or remove this text inline or in the module Content settings. You can also style every aspect of this content in the module Design settings and even apply custom CSS to this text in the module Advanced settings.

A few years ago, I was in the staff room refilling my water bottle. A colleague was working at the table and, during small talk, she misgendered me. I corrected her, then she over apologized and launched into a monologue about how hard she’s trying. She grew up learning that ‘they’ is only  plural and how it will take years to undo her habits. She told me about her Queer child and how difficult the journey has been for her as a parent. While I’m super happy that this colleague was on a journey of love and acceptance, I don’t need to hear about it. I just wanted to get my water and go back to my room to prep for my upcoming class.

In my experience, when someone over apologizes about misgendering, it occasionally leads into yet another monologue about their journey into Queer “allyship”. The person’s allyship isn’t in issue, the act of misgendering is. The other person often makes it about their feelings and how difficult it’s been for them, which takes away from us, our journey, and the harm that they caused. This is especially evident when a person gets defensive, and I’m grateful that I haven’t encountered this reaction yet. If someone corrects your misgendering, do not get defensive. It might be your initial reaction, but do whatever it takes to avoid that path. When a person gets defensive about being corrected, it becomes a cruel attack on Queer identity. That’s when allyship will come into question.

Do: Correct other people

Aside from my husband, only a single person has ever corrected someone misgendering me while in my presence. This is the ultimate form of respite for me, the mega-evolution of pronoun allyship. Please, just do it for us. I correct people every single day, usually several times a day, and often in front of others. If a friend or colleague misgenders me while we’re among a group, the other listeners will look at me and wait for me to respond (assuming they even notice). Then it’s always up to me to make the correction.

Also, we shouldn’t have to be present for our gender to be affirmed. Correct someone else if you hear them misgender another person. Go through these steps for us, because it can get exhausting real fast!

—————–

Hopefully these simple steps give you a bit of clarity on what to do if someone corrects you for misgendering someone. If you keep making mistakes, then that shows you need to try a bit harder. My husband told me about a neurodivergent friend we both share and how she practices my pronouns in the mirror whenever she comes to meet us. Make time in your day for it. Practice these steps on your own. Take it seriously. It’s one of many steps you can take on your journey of Queer allyship.