Growing up, school was very lonely.

I wasn’t exactly the most outspoken or gregarious student. I came from a broken family at a very young age. We moved every year, so establishing long term relationships pre-internet wasn’t exactly easy. In addition to having a perpetual “new kid” status, there was always something else about me that was just…different. I couldn’t quite pin point it at the time, but as I grew older I became more and more self aware of how I’m different.

First of all, I did not fit in with the typical expectations of what a “boy” should like and how they should act. I detested any kind of physical sport, especially in the context of the often gender segregated gym class. I was always picked last in teams, which bothered me not because I was always considered a burden in sports, but because I didn’t want to be picked at all. I avoided competitive masculinity like the plague. I inevitably would be forced to play, so I would take position as far away from the game as possible as to reduce my chances of interaction with aggressive classmates.

Plus, I enjoyed moments of sitting peacefully on the grass picking flowers.

I did not fit in with the typical expectations of what a “boy” should like and how they should act.

Almost naturally, I gravitated towards my feminine counterparts. I embraced things like , sensitivity, long rotary phone conversations, and coloring; activities considered “girly” while simultaneously engrossing myself in role playing games, anime, and horror movies.

For instance, I used to play “Age of Empires” and “Starcraft with friends online. For those who don’t know, these are RTS (Real Time Strategy) games where you essentially build a kingdom and an army before conquering your opponent. Naturally, I gravitated towards the creepy alien “Zerg” race, but I was much more inclined to build a symmetrical, organized kingdom and an army full of the creepiest / cutest baddies than I was conquering my opponent. I died real quick, but if there was an award for the most color coordinated city, I would most certainly be the winner.

Queer kids have these experiences all of the time. Many of them, like me, go through these experiences alone.

Jacob Tobia makes a great point in their memoir, “Sissy: A Coming of Gender Story”, about how the term “in the closet” doesn’t accurately describe the queer experience. “The closet” assumes its captive chooses to hide and “comes out” on their own accord. It’s really more like being in a “shell”; a protective barrier that keeps the enclosed safe from the outside world. Snails, for instance, peek out of their shell when they’re safe. When in danger, they retreat. This perfectly describes my queer adolescence. The moment I started feeling comfortable, the moment I started authentically representing myself, I would peek out of my shell. Then, someone would make a comment or toss a slur around. I would be reprimanded for not following social norms. Thus, I would retreat and hide.

The shell was my defense against the world. I didn’t choose confine myself within its barriers. The outside world kept forcing me back in.

I no longer accept a world where children undergo similar, often violent, experiences.

Children become uplifted when they see themselves reflected across media like books, T.V, and movies.

My Visibility is Important

Children become uplifted when they see themselves reflected across media; books, T.V, movies, etc. It feels less lonely knowing that other people like you are out there. I don’t claim to represent the diversity of the queer community, my presence in the classroom show’s that we’re here; we’re your teachers, your mentors. I’m a living, breathing example of a queer person who is physically standing in front of kids teaching them things like math and how to read and how to walk through the halls quietly. Maybe, just maybe, the fact that I’m out and open with my students about my queer identity will help one kiddo through their eventual journey. Hopefully, when the kiddos look back on their open first grade teacher and his husband and their amazing dog, they’ll think,, “You know, Mr. Garcia has a husband. Maybe I’m not so alone after all”.

What Teachers Can Do To Help

Some teachers may disagree with me, but I truly believe that all teachers are advocates in one way or another. We have the power to uplift others through education. By being intentional with how we use language and what we use to teach content, teachers can amplify voices of our diverse community.

Use Gender Neutral Language

Assuming kids fall into the binary of girl and boy can be a dangerous assumption. Instead, simply using gender neutral language when referencing students can help teachers create a more welcoming space in their classroom. For instance, instead of saying “boys and girls” when referring to a class, instead teachers can simply say, “Students”. Too easy!

Check out GenderSpectrum.org and their Gender Inclusive Framework. It contains a wealth of ideas on how to transform your community to a more inclusive environment. 

De-Gender Activities

I was always expected to participate and excel in specific activities acquainted to “boys”. Instead, teachers can encourage students to participate freely in activities they choose. Gendering activities can create unrealistic expectations of what students “should” and “shouldn’t” like. Instead, we can promote creativity that’s centered around what students want and need.

Address Bullying Immediately

Students would call me names like “sissy”, “girly”, or “pansey” both in and out of class because I didn’t follow the typical norms. These words damaged my confidence and self perception greatly – especially since I was a shy, introverted student. I wish that teachers would have stood up for me in these times of need. I encourage all teachers to address these damaging insults, but in a way that can educate those doing the bullying instead of relying on only reprimands.

TeachingTolerance.org has a free guidebook that includes an Anti-Bullying policy and inclusive gendering policies.

Use #kidlit

The biggest way of support we can provide as educators is featuring people of difference throughout literature. Accurate representation is crucial to normalize conversations around our diverse community. Simply featuring these people in literature is not enough, however. Choosing books that accurately and respectfully represent these individuals is a surprisingly tricky and time consuming process. The only solution is this: RESEARCH. Before reading a book that features a queer character, for example, pre-read the book beforehand to ensure that it’s not enforcing stereotypes. Check reviews of books online to see if other readers found anything harmful in them. Websites like Books for Littles and Booktoss are excellent resources to vet problematic books.

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Activism is a very new playing field for me. As I continue to learn and grow, I’m figuring out how to channel my negative experiences into positive teaching moments in the classroom.  I’ve realized that my mere presence in the classroom is a form of visibility in itself. Being queer in a largely conservative, homogenous environment, means I may be the first and openly queer person that these kids know. Being out certainly hasn’t always been easy, but I know that being the teacher I wish I had will give my students the means to express their authentic selves.

Consider the following graphic, developed by Tricia Friedman, contains great questions to consider when thinking about how to create a more inclusive environment.